my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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