I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
