I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
