you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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