They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
