when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
