I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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