I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
