my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
