1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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