found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
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I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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