His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I checked into jail on foursquare
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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