JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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