What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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