i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
