you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
