I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
