Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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