So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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