i just wanna soil my oats bro
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
