Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We're like a lot better than the average bears
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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