there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
