Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
