bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
