Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
