I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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