Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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