My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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