I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
