if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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