The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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