the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
