Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
