my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
