you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
