Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
