I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
