Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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