She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
