I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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