I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
