got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
