So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
