just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
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I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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