I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
