I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
