Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
