life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
