When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
