I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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