I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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