I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You pole danced in your parka.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
