I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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