He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
