my phone needs a breathalizer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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