We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
mondays should just be called national damage control day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
