I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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