kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
